I just wanted to get things settled around here before I updated again instead of worrying and fretting all over my journal until I knew what was going on.

Last night (Saturday) I went out clubbing with my friends, a crappy time to talk I know but my timing has been off so far so why ruin a lousy record. We were all at the club and Kris has a girlfriend but she was home with the flu (Not that flu) anyhow Kris was scoping out girls while we were setting at the table with Taylor. Not to go home with or anything he was just checking them out. He pointed out these two girls to me and egged me to go talk to the short blond one. I looked at him and said point blankly "I am gay remember?"

Taylor is all "Ohh boy!" and looks away as if to say he is completely out of this conversation. Kris tells me to stop talking stupid shit. I tell him that I am not talking stupid shit I need him to listen to me. Kris says some other shit but I don't remember what it was. I start to get pissed off because Kris is refusing to listen to anything I am saying to him, and no we weren't drunk because we had just gotten there and were on our first drink.

Zane who was supposed to be meeting up with us finally show up right while Kris is telling me that I am out of my mind, I just haven't met the right girl and a bunch of other crap. Zane asks what the hell is up. I don't want Zane knowing because he can be an absolute dick sometimes. Taylor pipes up with "Aaron's gay."

At this point I don't want to hear shit from any of them so I just get up to leave. Forget it, I decide I am going to head to the damn gay bar down the street and to hell with all of them. Kris is busy talking about me with Taylor, he ribbing at me which is fine sometimes but not when I need his stupid ass to be serious. Taylor is egging him on. Whatever. I get up and start walking.

Zane catches up to me. I ignore him. He grabs my arm and spins me back toward him. He tell me to wait a minute. I am just staring at him trying to figure out what the hell is up with him. He tell me just to ignore Kris and Taylor because they are being jerks.

I said I just want to leave. Zane says great, where are we going? Of all the people that I expected to stick by me Zane wasn't one of them. We decided getting drunk would probably not be good at the moment so we just went to the park for a few and hung out then went back to my place.

Zane admits to being bi and I am like what??? Anyhow we just talk a lot and Zane turned out to be a better friend then I thought he was.

This afternoon Kris shows up. I let him in of course. It feel awkward. We usually know what to talk about but this afternoon there was this strange silence. I ask him something meaningless. He replies in a meaningless fashion. We pause awkwardly. Kris says to me. "So, you're gay?" I say "Yeah." Kris says "Well, ok then."

Ok then. It's ok between me and Kris now. I am not going to get to talk to him about what I am feeling what I am going through. I don't want to push it. I have Zane to talk to though. It surprising but Zane has been pretty cool.

It's going to be ok.

Current Mood: okay

I feel utterly and completely miserable. I talked to Kris and it was hell. I told him that we needed to speak about something that was on my mind, that he was a good friend and that I could trust him.

He is all sure you can trust me.

I told him that I was thinking about guys a lot lately. That I didn't think about dating girls but about guys.

He freaked on me, he told me to be serious and stop with the stupid shit and all that. I started to laugh it off with the I am just joking shit. I decided not to do that. I asked him about when I kissed him the last time at that party. He said he didn't want to think about it. He was drunk etc... I told him it had meant something to me. He freaked then saying that I am not fucking gay and stop talking stupid shit and the jokes been taken far enough.

Time to back up, call me 'chicken shit' I laughed it off and told him I just wanted to see his reaction to something like that. He told me my joke wasn't funny and not to do that shit again.

I feel so freaking miserable and sick. I just wanted someone that I fucking know in person to understand. I get shit for it. Forget Zane either the last time I even remotely tried to talk to him about this he lit into me with how full of bullshit I was and told me to stop acting queer.

I don't know what to do in life. Do I drop my old friends and find new ones? Do I move to outer Mongolia where no one knows me. Do I close the door on the closet and force myself to be straight? Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

I want to die inside. My real life is a fucking lie and the only place I can be real is here.

Current Mood: miserable

I know I need to talk to him. I am a bit afraid of what he will say. I hope I don't loose our friendship over this, but I have to tell him how I feel!

Current Mood: apathetic

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Current Mood: bouncy

I've got a major party to get to tonight! I am so looking forward to it. I hope I find someone cute, I could so use a steady datable person in my life! there is a couple peaple I've been kind of flirting with Ones a girl ones a guy. I don't know which I like more, the bitch of it is, if it turn out to be the guy I have no idea how Kris and Zane will feel about that, they are so straight.

Current Mood: hopeful

I got so trashed tonight at a party that I actually made a move on Zane! I can't believe I did that shit. I Freaking just leaned over and kissed him! He kissed me back because he was all trashed and stuff too but then some dumb bitch commented on it and he was like "OH, Shit!" and he shoved me away and was like "Damn that was so freaking queer!" and I was like yeah.

Like, I think I would do a guy but not Zane, you know? It would just be weird!

Current Mood: embarrassed

Hello!

Does anyone even come on LJ any more???

I think maybe once a month update...

Or I need new friends...

Current Mood: curious

Not like Kris doesn't have a girlfriend or anything but shit... Well a bit more making out but then he want to cool it.

I don't think it makes me gay to make out with a guy but he thinks it makes us seem gay and wants to cool it.

Current Mood: blah

Shit I actually made out with Kris last night! Whoot!

Current Mood: cheerful

OK, so I didn't quit the band because Zane was like I can't do that he needs me and shit like that. But I am still pissed to hell at Deviant art, some guy was like "You need to give the artist credit for your pictures and I was the freaking artist. I hate my shit stolen, I am not posting a single damn lyric on the internet.

Current Mood: moody